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  Programmer jokes  (Read 11420 times)
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Offline philfrei
« Posted 2014-03-17 01:36:08 »

I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

********

I prefer IP jokes; its all in the delivery.

********

I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.


"It's after the end of the world! Don't you know that yet?"
Offline BurntPizza

« JGO Bitwise Duke »


Medals: 271
Exp: 5 years



« Reply #1 - Posted 2014-03-17 01:37:33 »

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this to be a base 3 joke."
Offline philfrei
« Reply #2 - Posted 2014-03-17 01:43:52 »

A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread.

"It's after the end of the world! Don't you know that yet?"
Games published by our own members! Check 'em out!
Legends of Yore - The Casual Retro Roguelike
Offline Rayvolution

« JGO Spiffy Duke »


Medals: 222
Projects: 2
Exp: 1 year


Resident Crazyman


« Reply #3 - Posted 2014-03-17 02:07:22 »

A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread.

That one got me actually LOL'ing Cheesy

- Raymond "Rayvolution" Doerr.
Retro-Pixel Castles - Survival Sim/Builder/Roguelike!
LIVE-STREAMING DEVELOPMENT: http://www.twitch.tv/SG_Rayvolution
Offline HeroesGraveDev

JGO Kernel


Medals: 294
Projects: 11
Exp: 3 years


┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻


« Reply #4 - Posted 2014-03-17 04:55:24 »

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

------------------------

Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, 'I know, I'll use threads' - and then two they hav erpoblesms.

------------------------

Two programmers walk into a foo.

------------------------

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

------------------------

A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Offline Gibbo3771
« Reply #5 - Posted 2014-03-17 06:09:00 »

A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread.

Golden Lol. Need to keep that one in mind :p

"This code works flawlessly first time and exactly how I wanted it"
Said no programmer ever
Online Drenius
« Reply #6 - Posted 2014-03-17 20:09:46 »

["hip","hip"]

hip hip array.
Offline UprightPath
« Reply #7 - Posted 2014-03-17 20:35:40 »

["hip","hip"]

hip hip array.
I lost it.

--------------------------------------

What's an C Programmer's favorite food? Spaghetti.

--------------------------------------

(From an actual CS text I owned in the back.)
Recursion (See Recursive.)
Recursive (See Recursion.)

Offline junkdog
« Reply #8 - Posted 2014-03-17 20:37:16 »

There's a review on the children's book The Story about Ping (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Story_about_Ping) which is just fantastic.

http://www.amazon.com/review/R2VDKZ4X1F992Q

artemis-odb: bugfixing and performance optimized fork of artemis ECS
Offline Roquen
« Reply #9 - Posted 2014-03-17 20:38:23 »

http://james-iry.blogspot.fr/2009/05/brief-incomplete-and-mostly-wrong.html
Games published by our own members! Check 'em out!
Legends of Yore - The Casual Retro Roguelike
Offline BurntPizza

« JGO Bitwise Duke »


Medals: 271
Exp: 5 years



« Reply #10 - Posted 2014-03-17 20:41:51 »


I've seen that before, still funny as hell.

Not sure which is more sad, these jokes, or that I have heard almost all of them before...
Offline zngga
« Reply #11 - Posted 2014-03-17 21:18:24 »

Software is a lot like sex, make one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

My code never has bugs... it just develops unexpected features!
Offline Mike

« JGO Spiffy Duke »


Medals: 86
Projects: 1
Exp: 6 years


Java guru wanabee


« Reply #12 - Posted 2014-03-17 21:26:15 »

This post is nice Smiley
http://m.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand

Mike

My current game, Minecraft meets Farmville and goes online Smiley
State of Fortune | Discussion thread @ JGO
Offline philfrei
« Reply #13 - Posted 2014-03-18 00:09:57 »


Busted!
Yes, that was where I first got the programmer/loaf of bread joke. The networking protocol jokes were from reddit, which in turn seems to have been the source for the tickld 20-jokes post.
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1h1cyg/whats_the_most_intellectual_joke_you_know/

"It's after the end of the world! Don't you know that yet?"
Offline BurntPizza

« JGO Bitwise Duke »


Medals: 271
Exp: 5 years



« Reply #14 - Posted 2014-03-18 00:13:52 »

r/ProgrammerHumor

[/thread]
Offline kpars

JGO Kernel


Medals: 107
Projects: 4
Exp: 4 years


Extreme Typist.


« Reply #15 - Posted 2014-03-18 07:42:37 »

Yo' mamma's so fat, the recursive function calculating her mass causes a stack overflow.

- Jev

Offline Grunnt

JGO Kernel


Medals: 94
Projects: 8
Exp: 5 years


Complex != complicated


« Reply #16 - Posted 2014-03-18 08:05:58 »

I really like this one from xkcd:



Sadly, most people I meet don't get it..

Offline pjt33
« Reply #17 - Posted 2014-03-18 08:14:32 »

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarette packet: smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Offline Roquen
« Reply #18 - Posted 2014-03-18 08:54:36 »

Strange I can't think of hardly any.  Here's some oldies.

Standards are great.  Everyone should have one.
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?  None.  They just redefine darkness to be the standard.



Offline kpars

JGO Kernel


Medals: 107
Projects: 4
Exp: 4 years


Extreme Typist.


« Reply #19 - Posted 2014-03-18 09:05:04 »

I swear if any single one of you make another bad joke I will detach the living **** out of your HEAD, and I won't even try to merge it back for you. I can destroy your repository instantly, without even trying. Fear me.

Git it?

- Jev

Offline Riven
« League of Dukes »

« JGO Overlord »


Medals: 832
Projects: 4
Exp: 16 years


Hand over your head.


« Reply #20 - Posted 2014-03-18 21:53:14 »

In Soviet Russia, null refers to you!








(I'm truely sorry for this odd attempt at being funny)

Hi, appreciate more people! Σ ♥ = ¾
Learn how to award medals... and work your way up the social rankings
Offline BurntPizza

« JGO Bitwise Duke »


Medals: 271
Exp: 5 years



« Reply #21 - Posted 2014-03-18 21:56:21 »

(I'm truely sorry for this odd attempt at being funny)

Fault seg's you!



Nope, still not funny :\
Offline HeroesGraveDev

JGO Kernel


Medals: 294
Projects: 11
Exp: 3 years


┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻


« Reply #22 - Posted 2014-03-19 01:06:23 »

FizzBuzzEnterpriseEdition.

Offline Grunnt

JGO Kernel


Medals: 94
Projects: 8
Exp: 5 years


Complex != complicated


« Reply #23 - Posted 2014-03-19 07:38:44 »

In the category bad jokes:

Chuck Norris his first program was kill -9

Offline kpars

JGO Kernel


Medals: 107
Projects: 4
Exp: 4 years


Extreme Typist.


« Reply #24 - Posted 2014-03-19 13:50:23 »

It hurts when IP.

- Jev

Offline SHC
« Reply #25 - Posted 2014-03-19 14:14:25 »

What does a computer scientist wear on Halloween?

A bit-mask.

Offline SHC
« Reply #26 - Posted 2014-03-19 14:34:46 »

The First Poem Written for Computers

1  
2  
3  
4  
5  
6  
        <>!*''#
        ^"`$$-
        !*=@$_
        %*<>~4
        &[]../
        |{,,SYSTEM HALTED

For you somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names):

1  
2  
3  
4  
5  
6  
    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
    Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
    Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
    Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
    Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
    Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH

From http://www.cise.ufl.edu/~ddd/poem.htm

Offline Roquen
« Reply #27 - Posted 2014-03-19 14:43:44 »

The hype around LISP is all cons.
Offline Gibbo3771
« Reply #28 - Posted 2014-03-19 17:22:55 »

2 bytes walk into a bar, the bartender says, "what can I get you guys?".

"Make us a double!".

"This code works flawlessly first time and exactly how I wanted it"
Said no programmer ever
Offline BurntPizza

« JGO Bitwise Duke »


Medals: 271
Exp: 5 years



« Reply #29 - Posted 2014-03-19 20:36:59 »

2 bytes walk into a bar, the bartender says, "what can I get you guys?".

"Make us a double!".

Wouldn't that be two floats?
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